Typical Blokes
by bluferret
Summary: Oh Merlin, boys are hard to handle. My ex is trying to weasel his way back into my life, My brother keeps insisting I'm a screw-up, and I keep losing my temper when I'm supposed to be 'the nice girl'. Oh, And I fancy a bloke with a girlfriend. Wonderful.
1. What Happened at Dinner

My mother is trying to kill me.

First she invites our neighbors from down the block over for a 'casual dinner'. Casual my green knickers. For my mother casual is equivalent to a muggle's Sunday best. I was going to leave my hair natural (strait as a board), but my mother wouldn't have it. Four hours later and my thick hair is curled and pulled into a half up-do. Since I was little I have had a habit of twirling my fingers in my ringlets and my mother is already giving me the evil eye and the guests won't be here for another 30 minutes.

Then she tells me that I'm in charge of the cucumber dip. Fan-bloody-tastic. Hasn't she tasted my cooking lately? Maybe I could hide my concoction behind the century old pizza in the freezer so no one has to endure it. Seriously, I can't even bake pre-mixed cookies right, let alone mix contents from a recipe correctly. My mother must have me confused with my darling brother who's never made a mistake in his life. Stupid git.

Next she 'remembers' to inform me that she also invited my ex-boyfriend, who has no relation whatsoever to our primary guests. Hell has frozen over. I asked her why on any Merlin forsaken planet she would invite him, or even be talking to him for that matter, and she says "I like him, Sara. He's a nice boy." Notice how she said nothing about why she would owl him for no apparent reason. Of course she likes him; All he ever did was boss me around and tell me how I did everything wrong. My mom has been saying the same things for years.

Screw them. I may not be an angel like my brother Carson, but I'm not a complete fool. Putting on airs doesn't matter as much to me as it does to any of them.

I hate our stinking doorbell. It sounds like a gong thudding through our house. I honestly don't think there's a more ridiculous doorbell available. If our house wasn't made out of brick it would probably shake from the force.

I make my way to the door, careful not to catch the hemline of my gown with my heels. I've done that before. It hurt, my shoe was scuffed, and my dress was ripped. That was a very happy Birthday.

"Good Evening, Mr. Potter, Mrs. Potter, James, Sirius. Please come in." My mom may think I'm an overall screw up but I was raised with manners.

Well, I'm glad they got the unspoken memo about dressing to impress. I don't think I've ever seen my classmates in ties so perfectly managed. Mrs. Potter probably helped them.

"Sara! You look lovely! Where is your mother? We must thank her for inviting us for dinner. And we brought lemon pie, your brother's favorite," Mrs. Potter smiled warmly.

Oh brother, my brother's favorite. If he were less coy about begging somebody to bring him lemon pie every time they saw him he'd probably have 50 of them hanging out in the freezer. Which he does.

"I'll take that into the kitchen Mrs. Potter. Please make yourselves comfortable in the living room. I'll tell her that you have arrived."

"Such a polite girl..." I heard her say as Mr. Potter led the family under the extravagant arch.

Our house was embarrassingly flashy.

"Mom!" I hissed as I shoved aside a frozen bag of peas to make room for the lemon pie, "they're here." As if she couldn't hear that obnoxious doorbell.

"I know Sara, where is Carson?"

I was spared from saying the obvious- 'I don't know', when the doorbell rang again. I was hoping my ex-boyfriend would forget where my house was and apparate into the middle of an Australian desert. Wishful thinking I guess.

Carson decided to make an appearance as he opened the door. I wanted to threaten my ex's life before he waltzed back in my house manipulating everything he saw. No such luck. Intending to initiate plan b I was about to sneak into the living room with the Potter's when the jerkoff's carmel eyes found mine. I felt like I just lost a stupid game of Where's Waldo.

"Sara," He grinned from ear to ear, "I've missed you so much." That grin could fool anyone, but not me.

"Hello, Marko. I see my brother has already welcomed you...Wonderful." I forced a faint smile as I stepped backwards, countering his advances towards me. I turned around dangerously fast considering my footwear and left the two to wander into the living room together. They had always got on well. Sirius and James however, didn't seem the type to enjoy such stick-in-the-mud company. They will probably be bored stiff before dinner. I already was. Honestly, anything would be better than this torture.

I like the Potter's and this way too formal affair would be bearable if they were the only company we had. I thought when I saw Marko sucking face with Sophie Jones that I would never see him again. After all, I did punch him repeatedly in the face until somebody wrestled me away. I was blind with rage and seeing him again sort of makes me feel like repeating the attack. Without a doubt I am still furious. If my mother knew that he was a cheater would she still like him as much? Doubtfully. I hadn't told her because I respect his reputation more than he ever respected me. I don't want our community to label him a man-whore. Why? Because I am a nice person. Too nice I think. He deserves to rot in the dark lord's bum-oley.

* * *

><p>Dinner has been awkward.<p>

Marko, Carson, and my mother are talking endlessly about; Marko this and Marko that, and Carson blah and Carson bloody blah. I tried not to slump in my chair or visibly heave any large sighs, but it was pretty damn difficult. Mr. and Mrs. Potter made noises of interest and inserted "oh really" and "you don't say", in all the appropriate places. James and Sirius were pretty quiet, but we shared some sympathetic, 'please, Merlin save us from this horrendous ego fest', looks. Yes, I did in fact get anti-ego vibes from Sirius and James. Coming from two egotistical boys that is saying something about Marko and my family's egos. The size of the sun, I swear.

Times like this and I wonder why the Potter's have never declined our dinner invites. I'm sure they were creative enough to come up with beleivable excuses.

"Would you please pass the cucumber sauce?" James implored softly from beside me, clearly trying not to interrupt the babbling baffoons bragging.

"Trust me on this Potter, you do not want that sauce," I whispered back, stabbing a brussel sprout with my fork.

"Oh no, what have you done to it? I already ate two helpings." Sirius chimed in desperately from the other side of james.

"Well, I made it, and I tend to muck up everything I put my hands on."

"Well if that's the problem Sar I think it tastes fantastic. You ought to be more sure of yourself."

"Like Mrs. Welsh and company," Muttered James.

I smirked and exchanged a look with Sirius, "Hex the life out of me if I ever act like them."

"Yes, m'aam," the best friends chorused, as if on cue. Kind of creepy.

I looked up right into the eyes of Marko himself. When did he stop talking and start eavesdropping? Not to mention he was giving me the evil eye, which made me sure that he heard my 'Godric hex me if...' comment. Not that I cared or anything.

"You've always been such a sweetheart Sara. Could you pass me the cucumber sauce Sirius?"

Marko always had a knack for disguising insults as kindness. However, his stupid mindgames don't work on me anymore.

"Would anyone like some pie? Compliments of Mrs. Potter!" Carson asked, interrupting the very ladylike response I was about to hiss at the devil spawn.

"I'll help you out mate," Marko stood to follow my brother into the kitchen. What a suck up. His motive for excepting my mother's dinner invite better be to try and date my brother, since he's giving him so much attention.

Once they were out of sight my mother finally returned to hostess mode and began asking the Potter's about themselves. At least the ego fest didn't last as long as it usually does, that is, the whole sodding dinner.

"Sara, would you pass the cucumber sauce again?" Sirius leaned backward to look at me around James, who appeared to be trying to fit a whole potato in his mouth at once.

I smiled as I reached for the sauce. At least I could make something right.

"James, really?" I asked finally after watching him struggle for a few more moments.

Sirius laughed loudly, causing the adults at the table to look at us curiously.

"What's so funny kids?"

"Mister Potato Head over here doesn't beleive in using a knife," Sirius explained.

Mrs. Potter gave him a dissaproving look, which James answered with a sheepish shrug.

Typical blokes.


	2. What Happened With the Bestie

Two rounds of magical cards and five firewhiskey's into the evening (my Mother consumed three, Mr. and Mrs. Potter had one each), and the Potter's announced their departure. My Mother called Mr. Potter 'Quite the looker', and that was the end of that. Mrs. Potter refrained from coughing or even raising an eyebrow, but I saw how the grip she had on her cards tightened just a smidge. They were out of the door quicker than you could say 'hot tamale'.

As if nothing awkward had happened, my Mother pulled my Brother to stand and insisted that he waltz around the living room with her. She was stumbling like a fool, her mahogany hair falling from its perfect chignon, yet he obliged her anyway. The bloody goody two shoes. Even if she were spewing Mrs. Potter's pie from her gut he would still do whatever she asked of him. On that note I thought about ways in which to torture my Brother; feed his pies to the raccoons, turn the water heater off as he went to take a shower, bury all of his clothes in the yard. My thoughts were cut short with the realization that Marko was standing directly in front of me. Unfortunately, he hadn't gotten the memo that the party was over when the Potter's had bid their farewell.

He reached for me, "Would you like to dance?"

Seriously!? He was such a tool. There wasn't even music playing. He smiled at me, that stupid, perfect, heart wrenching, smile. The one that always got me into trouble, because I believed whatever words spewed out of it. His hand was still waiting for mine. I smacked his palm away with the back of my hand as I stood up.

"Absolutely not. You are more than welcome to leave now."

If he was insulted he didn't show it, rather he smirked at me, "Won't you at least show me out? Your Mother would be upset to hear that you weren't acting like a proper hostess."

He would bring my Mother into this. She would have my head for even speaking to Simon the way I just had. She had high expectations of me, even though she was the one who just unabashedly told another woman's husband that he was attractive. If I ever said such a thing, I could expect to be eating nothing but coal and cat feces for a month. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, as my Mother glanced our way, and I stood. I adjusted the hem of my dress, as it took all of my willpower not to take his hand. Old habits die hard.

I briskly led the way to the front door. The sooner Marko was out of my house the better. I swung the door open with force that I hoped would say 'you are never welcome here again you dumb twat'. Apparently it was quite windy and I almost lost hold of the door handle. I darted my hand out to catch it, stumbling over my ridiculous heels. I caught myself and tried to save face, but Marko was already guffawing with laughter. He was always laughing at my expense. I'm not usually so touchy; I can take a joke; I know when things are funny. But Marko was another story entirely. He made me angrier than my brother and my mother combined, and all he would have to do is smile at me.

"Goodbye Marko", I huffed, as his eyes continued to sparkle in that irritating fashion.

He looked at the ground, took a deep breath, and met my eyes with a much more somber look. "I really miss you."

Not this mumbo jumbo again.

"Goodbye Marko."

"Please, just meet me for dinner tomorrow. I want to talk."

My skin burned where his fingertips brushed along my arm.

"Goodbye Marko."

Third time's a charm. He finally walked out of the door. I didn't bother to watch him go. With the door shut firmly and the lock twisted into position I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to the ceiling, willing my eyes to cooperate. The git wasn't worth crying over.

I wanted to punch him in the head. There were better guys than Marko out there. Hell, look at Sirius and James; cute, friendly, and available. So why would luck let me find and fall in love with a douche bag? I put my thoughts on permanent hold (I mean, who the hell could answer a question like that.).

* * *

><p>I used the stair banister as a crutch to lead me to my room, where I promptly scribbled a note, with a good ol' modern day pencil and paper, to my best friend Jade. 'Come over asap -Sara'.<p>

Ten minutes went by without a response and I was getting jittery. I had tucked my chiffon quilt into the bed, I repositioned a couple of ballerina posters to make room for a couple more, I swiped the dust off of my dresser, and pulled all of the multi-colored socks out from under my bed. I was quickly running out of things to do. I was just about to reorganize my make-up drawer, when I heard a familiar tap echoing through my room.

Jade had flown up to my window and come though it so many times that I wasn't sure she knew where the front door was. Before lifting the glass, I pulled the flimsy lace curtains back and swung them around the iron hook beside the window. She aligned her broom with the window and leaned forward so that she was almost folded in half.

As she zoomed in through the small rectangle of space I teased her, "one of these days you're going to lose an ankle doing that".

"I actually went to your front door this time, but I heard your Ma and Carson giggling like buffoons and it creeped me out. So what's the 411? Why the quick draw, 'come over asap' business?"

Jade tended to speak a mile a minute. I had always supposed that was a direct result of growing up in a house that was always full, be it extended family, friends, or neighbors, you had to get your point across immediately otherwise you'd be disregarded for another pretty quickly. Not to say that her family wasn't attentive; they were some of the friendliest folks I knew after all, they were just always so busy. They reminded me of squirrels on caffeine.

She leaned her broom upon my wall by the window.

"The Potter Dinner went well, albeit a little awkward the whole time, since my Brother and Mother are egomaniacs and the Potter's are at the other end of the scale. The real issue was Marko."

"...Marko? He was here too!?"

"Yeah, my Mother's doing."

"Didn't she always say that no guests were allowed on your family dinner nights?"

"Yes, that's exactly my point! He kept eye raping me the whole time and smirking and just generally being an arse, until the last moment when he was all 'I really do miss you' yada yada blah blah blah."

I could feel Jade watching me as I zoned out on the wall.

"You miss him too."

"I don't want to," I sighed heavily, looking her in the eye.

She ran her hand through her loose waves as she sat on the bed, pulling her legs up and covering her lap with a nearby pillow.

"Sara, do you remember when I dated Johnny Mckliken in third year?" She didn't wait for a response as she went on, "I was in love with that boy. He had pimples the size of pepperonis and a laugh that sounded like a pig's squeal, but I still fancied him. Even when he dumped me for Olivia Stix, because he claimed that she would 'put out'. We were barely thirteen for godsakes! I knew that I should have hated him, but I didn't. I actually (and I'm embarrassed to admit this) wanted him back. I would continue to smile at him in the corridors, and laugh at all of his asinine jokes in class. I knew I was being a dingleberry, but I couldn't help it…That's why blokes are dangerous. They allow our hearts to make absolute fools of themselves."

"Yeah, he was pretty grody."

"That wasn't my point though."

"I know what your point was. I chose to ignore it."

"Well, thanks bestie. I try to inspire you and that's the response I get," Jade laughed.

"That story was supposed to be inspiring? Ha, you're crazy. A+ for effort though."

"Whatevs," Jade waved her hand in disregard, "Where are those scrumptious dandelion sweets your cousin sends over from Australia?"

As the night wore on our conversation returned to blokes pretty frequently. In between all of that we established that:

1. Jade wanted to dye her hair light brown (I thought she was crazy. Her chocolate colored hair was gorgeous.).

2. I needed to read a new magazine on the stands called 'Magic Life', because it was just that good (I found this hard to believe, I mean with a name like that? C'mon.).

3. Dorcas Meadowes was a backstabber (she stole her best friend's boyfriend).

4. We might attend Max's party the following day.

After some debate we agreed that we would attend Max's party. We chattered as we rummaged through my closet for things to wear. We always borrowed each others clothes. I probably had half of Jade's closet in my own and vice versa.

"What about this?" Jade held up a deep blue dress for my review.

"Put it on," I instructed her.

She pulled it over her bra and panties, placed her hands on her hips, and waited expectantly. It was sexy, to say the least. The dress was very low cut, creating a provocative amount of cleavage. There was ruching along the sides appearing to make her waist stick thin. And as my eyes reached her legs I spoke,

"If you lean over, even on a counter top, your hooha will hang out."

"Ugh, I hate trying to find something to wear," Jade groaned.

"Usually jeans and a tank top would suffice," I counter.

It was true; we usually end up in shorts or pants, perhaps a mini skirt, with a tank or fitted tee, and pretty jewelry to accent the simplicity. Not to mention our parents usually didn't question us when we left the house like that.

Jade heaved a sigh. "Fiiiiine, ruin all of my fun. I'm wearing a white top," she announced as she tossed the blue dress in my face.

Jade always went with white tops. I think it was so that when a bloke spilled a drink on her (she was wearing a white blouse, so someone inevitably always did) he would see her bra. Jade would never admit it, but she's kind of an attention whore. And guys will give attention to get what they want.

Typical blokes.


	3. What Happened at the Shindig

Jade is the worst best friend in the history of best friends.

I say this because I am standing along the fringes of Max Verleen's living room, completely alone. I must look like a loner who just happened to wander by a house party and fancied a good trip so I just let myself in.

Jade is off wooing the 'love of her life' (as she so passionately proclaimed) with ridiculous giggles and wide puppy dog eyes. Gag me with a spoon. I would probably be fluttering around her trying to look like a nonchalant third wheel, however the love of her life also happens to be standing next to none other than Marko, the bane of my existence. I prefer my present anti social wall loving status to that torture.

And of course I have no friends to find. Max is not the most popular of blokes and it seems that his soiree has not caught much attention. I am not surprised...Max is a snore and a downright dill-hole, hence the reason Jade and I so diligently debated coming at all. His only saving grace is that he's on the quidditch team at school and he manages to get the quaffle through the hoops a few times a year. People tend to at least mildly approve of people who score points in quidditch. It's a school law or something.

"Well, well, well, look who is actually alone. On her own."

Oh jeeze. What a tacky line.

"How many times has that line worked for you?" I snort in a very ladylike manner.

"This is the first time I've tried it, so I can't say."

"I have never seen you alone either Mister Sassy Pants". Hey, no one ever said I was the master of flirting.

"Sassy Pants?" And he would have to call me out on that.

"This wall has made my brain awkward and anti-social," I laugh, tipping my drink towards Sirius in a cheers.

"Fair enough. Would you like to me for a game of exploding snap?" That bloody infamous card game. Don't get me wrong, I like it well enough, but heaven forbid a different card game even exists in the wizarding universe.

"Sure thing. I've got nothing better to do."

One can't seem too eager to hang out with a cute lad. Especially one who knows that he's cute. And Sirius, as far as the student body of hoggy, warty, Hogwarts is concerned, is a very pretty boy. Those light eyes and that dark hair is a killer combination.

He leads me over to a fold out table and chairs that looks like it's been around a decade too long. Rust is creeping up the legs of the table and the feet of the chairs seem a bit uneven and wobbly, but it I gather that it appears strong enough to support a few cards. I plunk myself into a chipped, white, chair across from Remus Lupin and next to James Potter.

"Hello boys," I smile in what I can only imagined is a pained way as I try to find a moment of equilibrium on this godawful chair.

"Sara! Long time no see! How's your Mother? Your Brother?" James waggles his eyebrows, as if he didn't already know far too many details about my family's private life from dinner the week before.

"Sod off you wanker" I say pleasantly, as I reach to pull the cards into a clean pile. I see messy cards and I must make them pretty. Every. Single. Time. I can't help it. My Father was a professional card player when I was young. He would leave cards strewn about on every flat surface throughout the house. It would drive him wonky when I would organize them all and leave a perfectly placed pile for him to find. He said it destroyed the character of the game. Whatever that means.

"Where's Jade?" Remus asks. This is not an odd question to ask. I am often with her at evening rendevouz such as this.

"I saw her sucking face with Ty Porter a few moments ago," Sirius explains as he sits beside me.

"What!? How did you see that and I didn't?" I am scanning the room wildly for any evidence of this animalistic behavior.

"Jeeze, babe, go watch a porno if you want to see some action that badly."

They burst out laughing at their lewdness like typical blokes will do.

I roll my eyes dramatically, "Where is Peter?", I echo Remus' earlier question, as I begin to deal the cards.

"He claimed he had a bad case of food poisoning and was vomiting meal worms for awhile."

"The way that boy eats it was bound to happen sooner or later."

Halfway through our first round of snap and Sirius' knee bumps mine for the second time. Let me repeat that- the second time. One time is a mistake. Two times is suspicious as hell. His knee collides with mine a third time and that's a charm.

"Sirius Black, if you do that- and you know what it is- one more time I solemnly swear that I will rip those eyebrows right off your face."

For some reason the dolt and his gang snicker like I've spouted a unicorn horn and farted fairy dust. I mean, I've been told that I can make funny faces when I'm angry, but this was not one of those times. I know this because I was quite serious. I have a bubble. If you pop it I will eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That's only a slight exaggeration. They continue to laugh, as immature boys will do, and I find myself actually becoming angry. Like, irrationally irritated sort of angry. I press my cards to the dingy table, and push my chair back to excuse myself. I turn to stalk away, like the mass of hormones that I am. I hear another chair scrape along the floor. Oh joy, someone is coming after me. They will probably question why I'm angry, and all I've got to say is, 'you're laughter is annoying'. Great. Golden. That will go over wonderfully I'm sure. Just like that time in fourth year when I smashed Harmony Joy's face into a pie and told her it was because I slipped on a drumstick (like anyone believed that), when I actually wanted payback for when she stole my sugar quill in Charms. Hell, she probably just forgot to give it back. That notion was irrelevant then. I was miffed, just as I am miffed now.

"Sara, wait," Sirius caught my arm, mirth in his eyes, laughter still on his lips.

"I'm tired of exploding snap Sirius," I say. That's a half-truth. I will play any card game over exploding snap, so I'm pretty much always ready to do anything else.

"I think you're cute and I'd really like to take you out. Maybe this weekend?"

Well, I was not expecting that. Props to the bloke for being bold and direct. Holy-moley. Let me think this over. Reasonable reasons to go on a date with Sirius Black: eye candy, an adventure, eye candy, he likes my cooking, eye candy, he rescued me from the wall, eye candy. Reasons not to go on a date with Sirius Black: he invaded my bubble, he drove me nuts with his laughter tonight, I'm still not over douchebag. Hmph. Well, they say laughter is the best medicine (for a wounded heart?).

"Friday. Pick me up at 6:30." Sirius' hand had found its way from my arm to my hand. He squeezed and let go. With the promise of a date in my head the irritation I had felt earlier sprouted easily into butterflies. And then he gave me The Smile. The player smile. The Marko smile. The perfect, dazzling, charming smile. The 'you can trust me to break your heart' smile. Oh bloody hell. What have I gotten myself into.

"SARA! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you! I have spectacular, wonderful, amazing news!" Jade came barreling towards me like the Tasmanian Devil whisking me away to tell me about her scandalous escapade. Because I'm sure that her spectacular, wonderful, amazing news had everything to do with none other than Ty the Tosser. I don't like him much. He is friends with my Brother and that is all I need to know to say I am not a fan of his.

"I've been here the whole time you ninny. Where have YOU been?"

"Blah, blah, blah. I'm ready for a midnight whisper sesh on your living room floor. Right now. Please, please, please? You're bored right? I know there aren't many people here and Ty just left, so I'm already bored. Like bored beyond belief. This party blows monkey butt..."

I'm pretty sure Jade just implied that I would bore her at this party, but that I make a lovely companion when we are mucking about like school girls on my living room floor. I think I should be slightly insulted by this, but this is exactly a Jade sort of thing to say, and she is probably right. So I roll my eyes and agree with her. We flooed back to my place faster than you could thank the host. Which we didn't. And we used the last of his floo powder. My Mother would've killed me for such atrocious behavior.

Once we dusted ourselves off properly, Jade asks, "Hey what were you doing with Sirius Black? I thought he had a girlfriend? Vanessa was it? Hufflepuff?"

Bullocks.


End file.
